so i had been fine for weeks until i boarded a plane to see some dear college friends. as soon as the plane closed its doors i started getting panicky. if two large men werent sitting in between me and the door, i would have screamed, let me out of here! i started sweating and took of my scarf & jacket and drank a gallon on water in like one second. my heart was in my throat and i started thinking of ways to get off or at least not fly back home. i couldnt believe it. i
love to fly. i have flown all over the
world. and flown all ovet the world by. my. self.
here i was on a 45 min. flight flipping my lid. i mean, i have flown to
africa by myself! i didnt know what to do, so i turned to the older man beside me and said, "i have flight anxiety i need you to talk to me."
he did not miss a beat. he put his magazine away and then proceeded to tell me his life's story. it was a beautiful thing to be cared for by a stranger. he knew not to ask too many questions but to keep me engaged. he knew to talk about non-stressful things. i wont forget this man (angel?) and how he ministered to me a dark and scary moment.
i was then cared for deeply by six girls who knew intimately struggles of anxiety. we laughed, we cried, we shared our lives. then it was time to board the plane again. i was so nervous i started throwing up. i did NOT want to do it alone. my dear friend got a pass to come with me to the gate. then she paid for me to upgrade to first class, which actually, makes a HUGE difference. i made it home and thought, never am i flying again. i'm done.
problem was, 6 days later i was suppose to board a plane to mexico with matt for our anniversary. we had never left the kids and everything was bought and paid for. i mean, who wouldnt get on the plane? but yall, it was a big struggle. i met with my counselor who said, if you dont get on this flight now its going to make every flight from now on infinitely harder. so i packed my xanax just in case and got a ton of bottles of water. our flight to mexico was bought with miles and our seats werent together. anxiety was mounting until i sat down on the aisle next to an older couple and the man said, i may need to switch with you i am claustrophobic. i said, "dont worry i have some xanax." he laughed and said, "i have some valium." then he proceeds to tell me his 30 year struggle with panic attacks on planes. he remembers each one like it was yesterday. we talked for the 3 hours to cancun about his struggle. he had never been to see a counselor, he just suffered through it for 30 years. i was able to tell him how normal it was, how common, what happens to his body, why he feels the way he does, things he could do to make himself feel better. in essence, it was a 3 hour counseling session with a dear man who truly wanted to be able to be free from panic attacks. again, it was like God was reaching down and allowing me to be apart of someone's healing even in the midst of my own pain. neither of us needed medicine that day. and i have been fine (relatively) on flights ever since.
its been 9 months since that trip and since my last bout with panic. that season did wonderful things for my outlook on life and even greater changes in our marriage. things that needed changing but would have taken years of everyday life to make things better. but crisis speeds things up a bit and i am so very thankful.
but anxiety creeps up on me, sometimes out of the blue, sometimes during stressful times. but what i am finding is that deep below each of us are fears. sometimes that are masked very neatly so that others never know. sometimes, like in my case, they just bubble over to the surface. but fear resides in each of our hearts and thats the daily battle we must face. To trust God who we don't see. To believe in His greater story for our lives. To trust that in midst hard times he doesnt leave us.
The most repeated phrase in the Bible is "Do not Fear!" its no wonder that for thousands of years people have needed to hear that. Don't fear, I have a plan. Don't fear, I will redeem this ugly situation. Don't fear, youre not alone.
It really is a journey and I am happy to be on it.
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