my ebenezer part I

in the Bible, the Israelites made 'ebenezers', which were little stone towers to remind them that God had shown up or was found to be faithful to them. it was a physical reminder to them that He never left them. this is my ebenezer.


i want to share with you about the darkest time in my life thus far. i want to share it with you because one-i feel like the more we are honest about our failings and trials the more it can minister to others. when i was going through my hard time it was a breath of fresh air to hear people's stories and hear how they came out the other side better and happier. 
the second reason is that its a good reminder to me that God showed up. That even in that dark time we, I, was not alone and that good things came out of it. Even in scary places-there is light.


it all started when I weaned Abraham. because i was still nursing Maggie when I got pregnant with Abraham; it had been four years since i didn't have some strong hormones running through my veins.
i started having anxiety throughout the month. i would obsess and worry about random things- spider bites, potty training, working again. 
then i did start working. working with the severely mentally ill. abe had JUST started sleeping through the night, i was chronically sleep deprived. matt had been in europe most of the summer. i had three babysitters and we had one car: it was the perfect storm.
throw in the wacky hormones and out comes an acute panic attack.


it was 11 oclock at night and we had just laid down after a big meal of spaghetti. as soon as i laid down i shot up straight and said, i think i am having a panic attack. {humorously, in retrospect, i realized i was having severe acid reflux which lead to the panic attack....so a can of tomato sauce radically changed my life.}


my heart rate shot up, i started sweating all over, my chest was burning, i had to use the bathroom 3 times in short concession.
as a counselor, i knew what was happening. i knew i wasnt going to die. i knew i wasnt having a heart attack. i knew i needed to pace my breathing to matt's so that i wouldnt hyperventilate. but what shocked me the most, and what i wasnt prepared for, was my thoughts. i knew people had 'racing thoughts' when they had panic attacks but i had no idea what that meant. but heaven help me, i thought i was going nuts. which in turn made me panic even more which made the thoughts even worse. if you have never experienced a panic attack (and i hope you never, never do) then words cant really describe the terror that sets in.


it was all over in 15 minutes. and not to be overly dramatic but that 15 minutes and the few days that followed has changed me. some good, some bad. i went from confident, capable, nothing much phases me to fear ridden, scaredy cat. the fear that invaded my life was (is) powerful and i was shocked at how quickly i crumbled underneath it. i weak, i was vulnerable, i was needy, i was everything i didnt like. fear followed me where ever i went. it still does sometimes. fear of having a panic attack while driving, fear of a panic attack while in a new place, fear of a panic attack when meeting new people. these panic attacks are powerful. 


two days later i went back to work. they were hosting a staff breakfast for me. that morning i started taking an anti-depressant that my OB gave me the day before until i could get my hormones under control. at the breakfast i started to get sick to my stomach and then the fear set in and i started sweating. holy crap! i thought, what if i have a panic attack in this tiny hot room with all these new people who are having a breakfast for me!
i excused myself to the restroom. i even went outside to get fresh air. if i had had my purse, i would have just driven off.
i paced the hallway trying to figure out what to do. i almost lost my breakfast as i opened back up the door. i quietly told my supervisor that i started a new medication that morning and i was sick to my stomach. i looked no one in the eye and gathered my things.
i have never been more humiliated nor relieved in all my life.


i laughed when i got in the car. i couldnt believe it. i couldnt believe i couldnt sit in that room. i couldnt believe that i never wanted to walk in that door again. i was done. i was ashamed. i royally tanked it.


things have always come fairly easy to me. grades, friendships, jobs, etc. and honestly, i had never failed at much. {except that one time in 7th grade when i fell flat on my face during a dance performance.}
but here i was failing. failing boldly. i shook with fear and the foundation of who i was suddenly cracked. 


But this isnt about my failings, this is about God showing up....


(to be continued....)