my ebenezer part 2

the medication my OB gave me continued to make me sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I feared going back to work. Work was the problem, work is what caused this, quitting would make it better.
So I quit, with great humiliation and wondorous relief. I was free! I was back to normal! And, I was. For a few weeks. I stopped the medication and could eat again, and I could sleep again.
I thought for sure this was a minor blip on my otherwise lovely life. No biggie, it would be good for me to understand others that deal with anxiety. But I was better now. For a few weeks.


Then one night I felt it again. The hot flashes down my arms, the cold sweat breaking out... it was all because I had made my first counseling appointment. And it made me nervous, and feeling nervous made me remember what it felt like to panic.
I realized I was far from "back to normal" and that perhaps, I wouldnt be the same again.


The next day I went to see said Counselor. Now, I am obviously a huge advocate for counseling and in reality think everyone could benefit from it at some point in their lives. But me? Needing counseling? It made me feel weak, vulnerable, needy-all the things I didnt like.
This man, kicked my butt in the first session. He is the Head of the Counseling Dept at the seminary and has been counseling for over 30 years.
He said that day that he hoped I wasn't "better" already because he guessed I hadnt learned the lessons I needed to learn. I prayed he wasn't right...but he was.


My OB started me on birth control to figure out my body wackiness. I vomited for a week straight.I couldnt eat, the anxiety was getting worse. I called the doc and said, "is this normal?" Yes, it may take a month.
Oh hell no, I thought. So I stopped taking it. The next day I felt better. Then that night I started taking Zoloft which my doc wanted me to try. I took it at night and was wide awake {and filled with anxiety} the whole night.
The day after I got a sinus infection. I have never, ever gotten one before. I continued to vomit and just wanted to go the hospital and get hooked up to an IV and lay there, for weeks. I have never felt so bad in all my life. My face hurt, I was vomiting, I was having anxiety hot and cold flashes, I was starving.
Matt missed classes that day while I searched for a doctor to go to. All I could find was a Wal-greens walk-in clinic. And that's where God showed his face.


As soon as I walked in, I started to panic. "what in the hell was I doing at a Wal-green walk in clinic! Something is seriously wrong with me and I am seeing someone who can only get a job at Wal-greens!" I started to pace and freak out. I just knew something was really wrong with me. Was it cancer? Was I just crazy? Was I having a heart attack?
Then the nurse practioner called me in. She was my age and adorable and was someone I would be friends with. I told her my sinus problems and then she started asking the regular intake questions. I told her I started zoloft the night before for anxiety.
She then put her pen down and turned around. She sighed and said, 'I think I have anxiety.'
She then went on to break most doctor/patient rules and started sharing with me her struggles as a new mom, a son who doesnt sleep through the night, and working a job she doesnt want to do because she just wants to be home with her boy. She told me her hands shake while she's at work and she worries she has MS. 
Here I was, the worst day of my life, listening to someone's life story. And you know what, it felt wonderful. I was able to counsel her and direct to some resources of benefit and use the gifts God has given me. I listened to her for well over 30 mins. and my anxiety melted away. I wasn't the only one. I wasn't the only one!
She gave me a thorough examine and didnt even laugh when I asked her to check extra long when she listened to my heart to make sure I wasn't going to have a heart attack.
God knew I didn't need someone to tell me "this is normal, you'll be fine." because really, I wouldnt have believed them anyway. God knew I needed to get out of my head, care for someone else and realize there are a lot of hurting people out there. He gave me a glimpse, a life raft it felt like, in my dark day to hold on to. I was able to relate to people on a level I have never reached before. I could empathize, I could share in the sorrows. Through this Wal-greens gal He said clearly and boldy- "Sharon, there is a reason you are going through this. This is not in vain." I heard him too. 


the next day I was in the trenches again. it was night two of no sleep. i was vomiting all morning, my head hurt,  i was sure i was having a nervous breakdown. matt had to go to class and i was looking down the day with two little ones and absolutely no energy wondering how i was going to do it. i walked outside with the two of them. at the same time my neighbor, D, walked out too. he took one look at me and knew how bad i felt. quickly, he said, "Sharon, you wont always feel this way." I believed him. 
again, it was a life raft in a day that i felt was swallowing me whole. and hearing him say these words brought me life and when i think back, i dont hear him saying it, I heard God's voice and it brings me much comfort.
You see D had been through hell and back in his four years of seminary. he had been misdiagnosed his first semester with a brain tumor and thought he was dying. he then suffered from lymes disease and went into a steep depression and had medical ptsd. he's had fourteen epiderals and countless mri's....so when D said what he did, i believed him. God used someone who had been through the fire and could still live and love and care for other people. I clung to his words for weeks. They were like fresh water to me.


to be continued....